The Next 15,000 Days
The last few years were really hard. We had 10 failed IVF treatments in five clinics in three countries. We had our hearts broken for a million times. We were so sad for all of our embies who didn't have enough strength to live more than a few days.
We had the last treatment in autumn and it was the hardest because of all the increased drugs the doctors prescribed me. I had so many horrible side effects that I made a promise to myself: if the side effects go away I will never ever take any ... << MORE >>
The Secret to Happiness is...
...not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
That's just one of the many lessons our guest contributor has gleaned over the course of 49 years. Mali, a New Zealand-based blogger — a self-described kiwi — writes on a variety of topics. Here, in her words, is how she arrived at her fresh start.
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I didn’t always want children. I know that’s not the typical confession from someone who has dealt with infertility, but I married young, and resisted and resented the almost immediate pressure I felt to have children. I was in a new exciting world where women had a choice. I was insulted by the inference that my biology would decide my place in the world, not my own thoughts, decisions, and talents. My husband was a little more traditional, but he also knew who he had married — that I could only have children when I was ready. I spent many years brushing off unwanted questions about when we were going to have children, building up a persona of the career woman who wasn’t interested in having children.
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What's Your Litmus Test?
The "why" didn't fully dawn on me until I was in the final burst of packing for a Thanksgiving family visit.
Our direct flight was just under an hour and half. The destination: a picturesque part of the country, home to the world's largest international independent film festival, a former winter
Olympic site, and some of most breathtaking national parks on the planet. Our relatives, peers in age and interests and genuinely warm and lovely people, had lived there since 1998.
There was only one reason why it had taken us 13 years to arrange a proper visit. The why was so large and obvious as to be the elephant in the room.
Our trip would involve spending several days in one of the largest child-centered cultures in the U.S. — the greater Salt Lake City region.
How did it go? Surprisingly well. In fact, I'm chuffed to say that I didn't break a sweat or find my dander rise even when the local hotel where we'd book a room, with its
complimentary breakfast, was over-run with toddlers cooing over waffles, or when two new BFFs earnestly set up a Candy Land board game at the base of the one and only coffee station, or
when I found myself in the midst of parents swapping stories about the upcoming holidays and plans to entertain ...
Gratitude Inventory: Freedom, Romance and Much More
The leaves on our trees have reached crimson in their last best performance before taking their inevitable fall. Holiday ads are proliferating. I've just gathered all the canned goods and non-perishables we're not going to consume any time soon for the local food drive. The days are growing ever shorter. The Detroit Lions (yes, I remain a hometown fan) are gearing up for their annual Thanksgiving Day football match.
It seemed only right and proper to partake in a gratitude inventory. In no particular order, here are just some of the many, many things I'm thankful for...
- Sleep — the really good, uninterrupted, restful kind
- Living in a country where girls can grow up to realize their full potential
- Jon Stewart and The Daily Show
- Coffee
- Watching the Michigan Wolverines with my best guy
- Spontaneity and the freedom to move in new directions
- Documentary film producers, along with the writers, production teams and performers at HBO, Showtime, AMC who continually turn out great original programming
- Good health (yikes, now I know I'm well into middle age — I didn't much notice my health in earlier years)
- High thread count sheets
- A really good effortless hair day
- Slovenia, and my online bloggie pal (now BFF), who made visiting this gem of a country earlier in the year an unforgettable, delightful adventure
- Whoever invented meatloaf
- The therapeutic effects of a deep belly laugh
- Friends and family who not only enrich my life but patiently put up with my idiosyncrasies
- Romantic, cozy wine bars
- The Internet and the way it opens up new ideas and new connections around the world
Now, your turn...
Someday, We’ll Look Back on This, Laugh Nervously, and Change the Subject
You might think this blog title was my response after a recent mainstream media interview that led to the headline, Infertile and Proud ...
But, there's some part of me that doesn't want to change the subject. What I'd like instead is to get beyond the nervous, uncomfortable awkwardness, the sense of being accountable somehow
for why I don't have children. As I said in the article, there are many shades of gray when it comes to a person's family status. Just for kicks, imagine with me what it would be like if parents
regularly faced the question "why do you have children?" Wouldn't it be a hoot to see how that conversation would go down?
You might say we've been inoculated against the idea that there's more than one hunky dory way for life to unfold. Since we're inundated with glowing messages about motherhood and fatherhood,
encouraged to conform, to go with the herd, it's not surprising that we're scrutinized when we don't.Fortunately, there are those willing share their stories and expand the universe of thinking.
They'll come in a series of guest posts from around the world — all the better to illuminate the many paths where life can take us. The first comes from Jody in London.
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Free To Be You and Me
But write I did, and I'm glad for what came next...
Dispatch from "hell:" It's not all bad became an Open
Salon Editor's Pick and made the "cover" for two days, with thousands of views and nearly a 100 Facebook Likes at last
count. Speaking of Facebook, the Silent Sorority Facebook page also generated a good response — and some nurturing comments, along with more of the same on another password protected site. Here's an excerpt from that forum:
"I found it really refreshing to ...<< MORE >>
Two Movies, One Gets it Right
The book contents remain locked in my iPad; I downloaded it several months ago but lacked the urgency to tap it open. The movie prompted a different response. I made a point of carving out 146 minutes to lose myself in the film after the August 10 opening sparked new debates about character authenticity and raised questions about who is best equipped to tell the complex stories of women living in a turbulent and racially charged time in American history.
Among the many commentaries I read about the film was this assessment by Chicago attorney and writer Kimberly Egonmwan. She makes a strong closing statement:
"We want to be seen as we are: women who are at the foreground of our own lives, and not in the background of someone else’s."Imagine my surprise when, after the depiction of societal oppression and civil rights struggles that brought me into ... << MORE >>
Happy T(w)ogether, Thank You Very Much
The short answer from my field research is an emphatic: Hell No!
The link to the provocative Huffington Post blog headline first came from a longtime pen pal who wrote me with this observation:
"[this] absurd article rambles and makes no particular point. Is it saying that more non-childed couples divorce than childed couples do BECAUSE they are childless or because, if they realize things aren't working they don't have to stay together 'for the children'? Is it saying that childed couples are happier (or not) than unchilded couples? Is it saying that couples who 'wait too long' to have children tend to divorce because of infertility struggles?"Next in my inbox was this assessment from Christina:
"I think this is just another Mom pumping up her world view ...<< MORE >>
Good Times Where You Least Expect Them
That's how Betty Ford, who passed away today at 93, described her life in the White House during one of the most turbulent times in U.S. history. I was only 10 years old when she became First Lady. I didn't fully appreciate, until I was older, how much she influenced my life. She didn't shy away from her struggles, she talked openly about them.
As I read some of the coverage about her life this morning I realized we shared a few things in common: both of us were born in Michigan; both had dreams of lives that didn't quite turn out the way we hoped; both of us talked openly about taboo topics (breast cancer and infertility, respectively).
She shocked many with her candor, but she also didn't pretend to be something she was not. She championed women's rights and encouraged others to overcome their personal demons. Her life story is teaching me one more thing — the lesson of authenticity.
As I alluded to in ... << MORE >>
A Mind Feast - Part II
I was the Elder Price of infertility treatment. (Elder Price being the protagonist in The Book of Mormon who had an intractable view of the way life had to be.) Like Elder Price I had a rosy-colored one-dimensional outlook on what would bring me happiness. It was only when it all didn't turn out as I had dreamed that I came to realize there was much more waiting for me. Better still, I was on the verge of meeting some amazing women whom I otherwise would not have come to know.
Marni, for instance, a doctoral student whose dissertation topic is Living Without Children After Infertility. We met on a warm night at a lively restaurant in her Manhattan neighborhood accompanied by our significant others. Marni simply radiates peace. You can't help but feel calm in her presence. Over a series of appetizers and small plates Marni and I shared more than good food. Seated next to each other in a u-shaped booth, we shared a deep, instant connection that allowed us to leap from bashful first greetings into a series of "you, too?" moments, reliving our awakenings while the guys conversed about topics, well, more guy friendly. The evening rushed by.
The next afternoon, Christina and I met after a business conference. Seated at an outdoor table in a restaurant humming with happy hour patrons we caught up on our lives since our last get together a year ago. We talked enthusiastically about our new dreams, confidently looking ahead to still more reinvention with new projects and new plans. Christina's petite size makes her expansive enthusiasm pack a powerful punch. She is fearless and draws you into world of possibilities.
From there I had the musical The Book of Mormon to look forward to. Soaring music, energetic choreography and a story that can't help but make you think propelled us into a hot and humid Time Square with a swell of tourists on a Friday night. Every fiber in me felt alive and joyful.
So it was not surprising when Marni shared this kindred spirit observation in a follow up email, "if you want to change something, it has to be associated with joy. Joy gets people to move. Fear makes them stuck."
I wish I could go back to the woman consumed with fear 10 years ago and assure her that joy would be in her future — that everything would turn out more than just fine.
About Me
I'm better known in some blogging circles as Pamela Jeanne. That was my pseudonym when I started the blog Coming2Terms. Over several years I also wrote the book, Silent Sorority. In relating my experience of the once hopeful days of trying to conceive (TTC) to adjusting to a new life as a "non-mom," I learned the importance of fellowship in making sense of a difficult life transition. It wasn't easy to find the courage to express the challenges associated with the finality of infertility. The goal of this blog is to offer a place for those in a once silent sorority to write or read sequels celebrating new beginnings.
