From There to Here and Beyond "The Thing"
Editor's Note: Please take the poll (you'll find out why at the end of this post).
The Internet, that wondrous invention that allows us to connect with others in far flung places in real time through various methods of search and social networking is also an amazing living archive. With the click of a mouse I can find myself as I once was, such as here in a different time and place.
Time travel has its advantages and disadvantages. I can revisit the woman I was while working on the woman I want to be. The danger — the thing to guard against — is getting caught in between. That's when you can find yourself dancing with ghosts.
This time travel applies to real life as well as online life. Take last Saturday. Lisa — yes, she's as cool in person as she appears online — and I met for lunch.
Quick aside: This lunch was perhaps the 10th time I've met an online connection in person. There's definitely an awkwardness to manage — as with any first meeting. It's one thing if the reason you found each other is work or an innocuous hobby or some other benign connection. More sensitive topics (e.g. malfunctioning reproductive organs, for instance)...well, that's a horse of a different color, something akin to:
We're in new territory, Me, Lisa and many others. We've had an extraordinary, solemn, life-shaping experience but we don't want that thing to be the centerpiece of who we are, our relationships. We certainly don't want to walk around with the scarlet "I" tattooed to our forwards. We don't want to get locked into a stereotype. (In fact, I'd like very much to change a few stereotypes!) We chafe at labels that never quite describe us in the right light. We don't want to be defined by what we don't have or who we're not.
I have much respect for the power of that thing that made us who are today, which is why I continue to try to make sense of it, to turn it over, to explore it. But as I told Lisa, I also want to keep it at arm's length. I've moved along the continuum with blogs from Coming2Terms to A Fresh Start. Women who visit these blogs are in varying degrees of healing. Don't get me wrong, healing is absolutely necessary to move forward, but now I wonder if it's time to create a new, new place — not just a blog, but a website with content that covers a range of topics.
There are plenty of parenting websites but isn't it time that there was at least one website uniquely focused on the hundreds of millions of people around the world living different kinds of lives? We are diverse, creative, fun-loving, unconventional, curious. If there were a volunteer team of editors (to start anyway), would you join us as a regular visitor to a new site — one for the rest of us.
Share your ideas in the comments and in the poll (link below).
http://polldaddy.com/s/EFF7127245A67B6B
(Note: feel free to tweet the poll and add this poll link to your site as well).
The Internet, that wondrous invention that allows us to connect with others in far flung places in real time through various methods of search and social networking is also an amazing living archive. With the click of a mouse I can find myself as I once was, such as here in a different time and place.
Time travel has its advantages and disadvantages. I can revisit the woman I was while working on the woman I want to be. The danger — the thing to guard against — is getting caught in between. That's when you can find yourself dancing with ghosts.
This time travel applies to real life as well as online life. Take last Saturday. Lisa — yes, she's as cool in person as she appears online — and I met for lunch.
Quick aside: This lunch was perhaps the 10th time I've met an online connection in person. There's definitely an awkwardness to manage — as with any first meeting. It's one thing if the reason you found each other is work or an innocuous hobby or some other benign connection. More sensitive topics (e.g. malfunctioning reproductive organs, for instance)...well, that's a horse of a different color, something akin to:
[Cheerful greetings.] Kind of unusual what brought us together, huh?Okay, you get the drift.
Yeah, so, you've had your private bits appraised at length and your heart ripped out, too? [Sigh. Look at menus]
Um, still have days when you get all weird around pregnant women? Not so much? That's cool.
[Enter waiter.] Yeh, still need a few minutes.
Really liked your last blog post. How about those nasty infertility demons? [Insert story about one of the worst visits.] Aren't you glad they don't visit as often? Bread?
Sounds like the recovery/ reinvention thing is goin' well. Nice to be moving forward isn't it? Getting beyond the grieving phase? [Mind travels back, tears well. Snap out of it and move back to the present.]
So, planning any travel? Great shoes, by the way. I can get lost at DSW if I'm not careful. Free time - one of the perks of the sort of life we now lead. Seen any good movies lately?
We're in new territory, Me, Lisa and many others. We've had an extraordinary, solemn, life-shaping experience but we don't want that thing to be the centerpiece of who we are, our relationships. We certainly don't want to walk around with the scarlet "I" tattooed to our forwards. We don't want to get locked into a stereotype. (In fact, I'd like very much to change a few stereotypes!) We chafe at labels that never quite describe us in the right light. We don't want to be defined by what we don't have or who we're not.
I have much respect for the power of that thing that made us who are today, which is why I continue to try to make sense of it, to turn it over, to explore it. But as I told Lisa, I also want to keep it at arm's length. I've moved along the continuum with blogs from Coming2Terms to A Fresh Start. Women who visit these blogs are in varying degrees of healing. Don't get me wrong, healing is absolutely necessary to move forward, but now I wonder if it's time to create a new, new place — not just a blog, but a website with content that covers a range of topics.
There are plenty of parenting websites but isn't it time that there was at least one website uniquely focused on the hundreds of millions of people around the world living different kinds of lives? We are diverse, creative, fun-loving, unconventional, curious. If there were a volunteer team of editors (to start anyway), would you join us as a regular visitor to a new site — one for the rest of us.
Share your ideas in the comments and in the poll (link below).
http://polldaddy.com/s/EFF7127245A67B6B
(Note: feel free to tweet the poll and add this poll link to your site as well).
Posted by Pamela at 2/17/2011 7:02 AM 
Categories: Relationships, Different Than I Expected
Tags: poll relationships stereotype life infertility time
Categories: Relationships, Different Than I Expected
Tags: poll relationships stereotype life infertility time
It's great to hear back about your productive meeting with Lisa. Did you brainstorm any names for the site?
If you begin a site like this, would you consider a section for people who are divorced as well? After 14 years of marriage and almost a decade of trying to have a kid, I ended up divorced and childless and very scared. I can't find much for folks dealing with a double-whammy like this as most everything is directed to married people.
Pamela: Count me in!
Holly: Me too. When I came up infertile, my now-ex couldn't let go of the idea of having "his OWN children" and we divorced. That was almost ten years ago. Looking at where I am now compared to then, I am very pleased to have moved on from the marriage and created the life I have now. It wasn't much fun feeling like damaged goods at the time, though, so I do understand and sympathize. I'm sorry for your double losses. Best wishes for healing.
Dear Pamela
I would love to get involved with this. I am infertile and my husband and I are now coming to terms as you say and looking for new directions in our life. Im in the middle of my PhD - longest pregnancy in history ha ha ha. Anyhow, this is such a fabulous concept and long overdue online.
Sam,
I can sooooo relate. I have my defense in a month and a half. Mine was a very, very, very long gestation period, and very painful delivery. : ) I hope yours is going better.
I have also thought that an information source on real, inspiring women who just happen to not have children for any number of reasons would be outstanding. A "safe" place, if you will to meet souls in similar situations but are leading full and amazing lives. All while not navigating around pregnancy or baby ads.
If I can help let me know!
Yes, I would be interested in such a website. I would love to explore how the child-bearing population relies on couples and/or women/men without children! I am always amazed at the support we provide to children and parents. I believe there is some sort of dependency there. I agree we have journeyed to a new place and it is a great idea to acknowledge and give credence to it and would love to tap into other women who have journeyed even further than me.
@IrisD @Holly @Diane @Sam @Lily @LizG - Thanks for your enthusiasm. Have had 52 responses with insight comments and suggestions. Lots to mull over. More to share soon.
Pamela,
So sorry for the lateness of the response but I had to chime in.
I love this idea!
A non-parenting site where smart, creative, innovative, talented, loving people can meet and share their experiences - Brilliant!
I don't know if it might even be considered but I will throw it out there anyway - maybe a section for those of us who not only battled IF but suffered/suffer from other illnesses as well? Just a thought - but either way count me in!
Anything I can do to help - just say the word.
P.S. - So glad you had the chance to meet Lisa - you both seem like amazing ladies!
Any site you (and Lisa) have a hand in creating is a site I'd visit.
I just think that if the site isn't about "the thing" and it isn't about "parenting" then isn't it about everything else in life? So I guess I'm struggling to see exactly what/who your market would be.
@Mali - You've identified a challenge here that I was hoping the survey responses would help us tease out. Fortunately, there are loads of responses from multiple geographies. Now we need to find a common denominator. More when I recover from a nasty cough/cold that's been dogging me the past 10 days. Stay tuned!
Love, love, love the idea of this website! I took your survey yesterday and offered some ideas. We are very excited to have your book, Silent Sorority, discussed this month on our on-line book club for women living with infertility: www.ladiesinwaitingbookclub.com. Let us know if we can help in anyway! We need a safe place to surf the web!