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The New "It Girls" ... Give it Up for Non-Moms
I hereby declare the "Mommy Era" to be post-peak. While the diefication of mothers has had an extended run, it's time, ladies, to make some room on the stage.
Who are the new "It Girls"? That's right: Non-Moms! We've got books, PhD dissertations, events, virtual lunches, video chats. Our star is rising. Who knows where it will take us?
I'm pleased today to share not one but two conversations — and a dissertation. The first a Q&A, a video chat, among Women Without Children took place Saturday hosted by Lisa Manterfield. You can tune in here to listen or watch.
And today, we are shining the spotlight on ground-breaking research, RECOVERY FROM TRAUMATIC LOSS: A STUDY OF WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT CHILDREN AFTER INFERTILITY, published by the University of Pennsylvania. You might remember the call for participants came in a post here a year ago.
Dr. Marni Rosner is a New York City-based licensed psychotherapist. Her specialties include working with anxiety, relationship issues, trauma, loss, and infertility. She can be reached at marni.rosner@gmail.com. After May 15, her newly revised website, drmarnirosner.com, will be up and running. She joins us now for a interview and welcomes your questions and comments.
What led you to this topic?
I had been ambivalent about having children, yet found myself surprisingly overwhelmed when I discovered I wasn’t able to. And, despite all my education, and years of clinical experience working with clients with varying degrees of anxiety, depression, and trauma, I had no knowledge of the psychological trauma of infertility! I didn’t understand my reaction, nor did anyone else in my support system, including colleagues.
And you, Pamela, unfortunately, were not yet on-line. The isolation was incredible. So I began reading, which has always been a safe harbor for me – you know, knowledge is power and all that. Yet, I was unable to find research that addressed infertility for those who were not interested in adopting or third-party reproduction. There was Sweet Grapes, of course, now a classic, but no real research. I also attended numerous conferences and workshops on infertility; all focused on increasing one’s fertility, IVF, donor eggs, and adopting. It seemed, and felt, that deciding to not have children after infertility was as isolating as living on Mars!
How did it go over with your advisors?
They were all wonderfully supportive. The primary concern, always, is, “is this research necessary? Has it been done before? If not, why? Will it really enrich our knowledge base?” One professor said, early on, “It must be interesting to more than just your own mother!” So this certainly passed the “sniff” test. There was really no other research that focused solely on this population in this era (with numerous reproductive options available, and so many life choices available for women).
What about your peers in the program? How did they respond to your topic?
Everyone seemed receptive and interested. I sometimes wondered if I was making some of the 30-somethings in the room, who didn’t have kids, anxious, although no one ever said so. An interesting moment occurred during my proposal defense – which is when I formally presented why this research is necessary. There were probably about 10 people in the room – my three advisors, some classmates, and a few others. During the q. and a., someone began a question, “for women who decide not to have a family…”. Three people in the room, at the same time, immediately jumped all over this, responding, “They have families, they just don’t have children!” That was interesting for me, especially since I hadn’t caught the “slip”. So to immediately have that effect - that I was able to communicate the significance of this topic to the point where language immediately became sensitive - was rewarding.
What were some of your biggest takeaways or surprises in researching previous studies associated with infertility?
It was shocking to me how little attention was given to the aftermath of infertility. As of 2007, only 2% of the research explored the post-treatment phase of the infertility experience. Infertility is traumatizing! Even if you eventually have a child, through biology, adoption, or third-party reproduction, it changes you. A few years ago, I went to a talk, for clinicians, given by a woman who was interviewing (and filming) women who had adopted after infertility, and encouraging them to reflect on their infertility experience.
The filmmaker showed a clip of a woman who just cried and cried remembering that time. The interviewee had clearly buried these emotions for so long, and had never worked through the trauma and loss of her own experience from many years before. It may not all go away just because you have a child – a lot also depends on your history, what came prior to the infertility. Anyway, after the clip, we clinicians began talking, and the discussion immediately focused on adoption! I observed what was happening and redirected, but it was tough to stay on topic. I think it can be frightening to sit with intense emotions.
Many people view infertility as a deeply private, personal experience, however, you make clear that recovering from infertility is actually more of a team sport – meaning we can be seriously helped or hurt depending on the actions/behavior of those around us. Can you elaborate further?
I think much of the reason infertility is viewed as deeply private and personal is because it is often experienced as extremely shaming, and it’s instinctive to keep our shame close. This is compounded for those who were raised in an environment of shame, secrets, and/or unresolved childhood trauma. When we do reach out for help, we are often rebuffed – often not intentionally - and it’s hard to not be sensitive. So we wind up with unacknowledged and disenfranchised grief, feeling stigmatized, our relationships with friends and family suffer, and basically experience an assault to our identity. It becomes self-protective to not talk about it. But this doesn’t really work; it simply lessens us. We need to give voice to what has happened in order to move the trauma through our bodies and minds and make sense of what has happened.
This isn’t new – Shakespeare talked about the power of giving voice to sorrow, Freud addressed the “talking cure”, and the Catholic Church embraces this concept in the form of confession. 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, adopt this method as well. Give voice to your struggle, and something shifts internally. Having a witness to your process is quite powerful, and more witnesses are even better. What I found, in the study, was that this process was circular, reinforcing, and progressive –shame began to decrease as the women found a safe place, or places, to talk about what had happened.
As shame decreased, voices became clearer, and the women were more able to integrate, rather than disavow, the loss into their life story. This made them stronger and more confident. Shame holds us back, diminishes, and slowly destroys us. So – yes – it is a team sport. It takes a village to not have a child! Unfortunately, for women who decide to live without children after infertility, there is no obvious place to go for comfort. You have to work at it by either educating your current supports, or finding new ones. It isn’t easy, and requires energy that has often been depleted due to trauma. That’s why sites such as yours, and Lisa’s, among others, are so critical. They are, literally, life-saving.
You cite numerous theories and studies associated with human development and personal growth (for instance, you describe the concept of “twinship” — seeking to avoid feeling alone in the world — as well as a need for an "accepting, confirming and understanding human echo”) … what’s the impact when these are denied?
The “accepting, confirming and understanding human echo” – isn’t that lovely? That’s Heinz Kohut. Kohut addressed the different relationships we need, throughout our lives, to feel stable and well. One of these is a “twinship” relationship, which provides the feeling that there are others like me in the world, someone who understands me. When this doesn’t exist, or disappears, it can result in feelings of utter aloneness, deficiency, maybe some regression. It can be pretty unsettling and scary.
Many theorists from various schools of thought believe that our relationships have a direct impact both on identity and ongoing development. Certain theorists believe that this is particularly true for women - that disruptions to certain relationships are experienced not only as a loss of a relationship but something closer to a loss of self. Women who experience infertility often face disruptions to their relationships, and for those who decide to not have children after trying, this issue, this assault to identity, may not resolve on its own. There needs to be some active work around it.
It’s reassuring that you’ve gathered evidence to prove what many of us living without children after infertility already sensed keenly – that we’re living in an extended pro-natal period. What implications does this have for those who don’t fit the pro-natal norm?
This is a great question. I really don’t know. I think, at this time, you, Lisa, and all the other bloggers and voices addressing this issue are in the process of forming what this means. We are what I would call "in the process" of developing the narrative for those living outside the pro-natal norm. We have the power to direct this a little, I think. Don’t forget those that have chosen to be childfree, despite all the cultural and societal messages to have children. They are a great crowd – they can be so normalizing! And – just a quick statistic – the number of women, aged 40-44, without children has doubled to 20% since 1976 – this includes the voluntary childfree. That’s an enormous change in a relatively short time. So, again, we are in this moment contributing to and shaping the dialogue.
Based on your research/findings, is anything you’d like to add – words of advice – for the “silent sorority?”
You know, there was such fantastic advice, words of wisdom, and relevant stories told by study participants, that I could not possibly do them justice here. I would encourage those interested to read the paper. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty reader friendly. Maybe focus on chapters IV and V (the less theoretical chapters) to best hear the actual voices and themes. And, of course, I’d love to hear any feedback and questions!
Readers: Get your highlighters out. You can find the full dissertation, RECOVERY FROM TRAUMATIC LOSS: A STUDY OF WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT CHILDREN AFTER INFERTILITY, here at UPenn. The discussion is officially open.
Who are the new "It Girls"? That's right: Non-Moms! We've got books, PhD dissertations, events, virtual lunches, video chats. Our star is rising. Who knows where it will take us?
I'm pleased today to share not one but two conversations — and a dissertation. The first a Q&A, a video chat, among Women Without Children took place Saturday hosted by Lisa Manterfield. You can tune in here to listen or watch.
And today, we are shining the spotlight on ground-breaking research, RECOVERY FROM TRAUMATIC LOSS: A STUDY OF WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT CHILDREN AFTER INFERTILITY, published by the University of Pennsylvania. You might remember the call for participants came in a post here a year ago.
Dr. Marni Rosner is a New York City-based licensed psychotherapist. Her specialties include working with anxiety, relationship issues, trauma, loss, and infertility. She can be reached at marni.rosner@gmail.com. After May 15, her newly revised website, drmarnirosner.com, will be up and running. She joins us now for a interview and welcomes your questions and comments.
What led you to this topic?
I had been ambivalent about having children, yet found myself surprisingly overwhelmed when I discovered I wasn’t able to. And, despite all my education, and years of clinical experience working with clients with varying degrees of anxiety, depression, and trauma, I had no knowledge of the psychological trauma of infertility! I didn’t understand my reaction, nor did anyone else in my support system, including colleagues.
And you, Pamela, unfortunately, were not yet on-line. The isolation was incredible. So I began reading, which has always been a safe harbor for me – you know, knowledge is power and all that. Yet, I was unable to find research that addressed infertility for those who were not interested in adopting or third-party reproduction. There was Sweet Grapes, of course, now a classic, but no real research. I also attended numerous conferences and workshops on infertility; all focused on increasing one’s fertility, IVF, donor eggs, and adopting. It seemed, and felt, that deciding to not have children after infertility was as isolating as living on Mars!
How did it go over with your advisors?
They were all wonderfully supportive. The primary concern, always, is, “is this research necessary? Has it been done before? If not, why? Will it really enrich our knowledge base?” One professor said, early on, “It must be interesting to more than just your own mother!” So this certainly passed the “sniff” test. There was really no other research that focused solely on this population in this era (with numerous reproductive options available, and so many life choices available for women).
What about your peers in the program? How did they respond to your topic?
Everyone seemed receptive and interested. I sometimes wondered if I was making some of the 30-somethings in the room, who didn’t have kids, anxious, although no one ever said so. An interesting moment occurred during my proposal defense – which is when I formally presented why this research is necessary. There were probably about 10 people in the room – my three advisors, some classmates, and a few others. During the q. and a., someone began a question, “for women who decide not to have a family…”. Three people in the room, at the same time, immediately jumped all over this, responding, “They have families, they just don’t have children!” That was interesting for me, especially since I hadn’t caught the “slip”. So to immediately have that effect - that I was able to communicate the significance of this topic to the point where language immediately became sensitive - was rewarding.
What were some of your biggest takeaways or surprises in researching previous studies associated with infertility?
It was shocking to me how little attention was given to the aftermath of infertility. As of 2007, only 2% of the research explored the post-treatment phase of the infertility experience. Infertility is traumatizing! Even if you eventually have a child, through biology, adoption, or third-party reproduction, it changes you. A few years ago, I went to a talk, for clinicians, given by a woman who was interviewing (and filming) women who had adopted after infertility, and encouraging them to reflect on their infertility experience.
The filmmaker showed a clip of a woman who just cried and cried remembering that time. The interviewee had clearly buried these emotions for so long, and had never worked through the trauma and loss of her own experience from many years before. It may not all go away just because you have a child – a lot also depends on your history, what came prior to the infertility. Anyway, after the clip, we clinicians began talking, and the discussion immediately focused on adoption! I observed what was happening and redirected, but it was tough to stay on topic. I think it can be frightening to sit with intense emotions.
Many people view infertility as a deeply private, personal experience, however, you make clear that recovering from infertility is actually more of a team sport – meaning we can be seriously helped or hurt depending on the actions/behavior of those around us. Can you elaborate further?
I think much of the reason infertility is viewed as deeply private and personal is because it is often experienced as extremely shaming, and it’s instinctive to keep our shame close. This is compounded for those who were raised in an environment of shame, secrets, and/or unresolved childhood trauma. When we do reach out for help, we are often rebuffed – often not intentionally - and it’s hard to not be sensitive. So we wind up with unacknowledged and disenfranchised grief, feeling stigmatized, our relationships with friends and family suffer, and basically experience an assault to our identity. It becomes self-protective to not talk about it. But this doesn’t really work; it simply lessens us. We need to give voice to what has happened in order to move the trauma through our bodies and minds and make sense of what has happened.
This isn’t new – Shakespeare talked about the power of giving voice to sorrow, Freud addressed the “talking cure”, and the Catholic Church embraces this concept in the form of confession. 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, adopt this method as well. Give voice to your struggle, and something shifts internally. Having a witness to your process is quite powerful, and more witnesses are even better. What I found, in the study, was that this process was circular, reinforcing, and progressive –shame began to decrease as the women found a safe place, or places, to talk about what had happened.
As shame decreased, voices became clearer, and the women were more able to integrate, rather than disavow, the loss into their life story. This made them stronger and more confident. Shame holds us back, diminishes, and slowly destroys us. So – yes – it is a team sport. It takes a village to not have a child! Unfortunately, for women who decide to live without children after infertility, there is no obvious place to go for comfort. You have to work at it by either educating your current supports, or finding new ones. It isn’t easy, and requires energy that has often been depleted due to trauma. That’s why sites such as yours, and Lisa’s, among others, are so critical. They are, literally, life-saving.
You cite numerous theories and studies associated with human development and personal growth (for instance, you describe the concept of “twinship” — seeking to avoid feeling alone in the world — as well as a need for an "accepting, confirming and understanding human echo”) … what’s the impact when these are denied?
The “accepting, confirming and understanding human echo” – isn’t that lovely? That’s Heinz Kohut. Kohut addressed the different relationships we need, throughout our lives, to feel stable and well. One of these is a “twinship” relationship, which provides the feeling that there are others like me in the world, someone who understands me. When this doesn’t exist, or disappears, it can result in feelings of utter aloneness, deficiency, maybe some regression. It can be pretty unsettling and scary.
Many theorists from various schools of thought believe that our relationships have a direct impact both on identity and ongoing development. Certain theorists believe that this is particularly true for women - that disruptions to certain relationships are experienced not only as a loss of a relationship but something closer to a loss of self. Women who experience infertility often face disruptions to their relationships, and for those who decide to not have children after trying, this issue, this assault to identity, may not resolve on its own. There needs to be some active work around it.
It’s reassuring that you’ve gathered evidence to prove what many of us living without children after infertility already sensed keenly – that we’re living in an extended pro-natal period. What implications does this have for those who don’t fit the pro-natal norm?
This is a great question. I really don’t know. I think, at this time, you, Lisa, and all the other bloggers and voices addressing this issue are in the process of forming what this means. We are what I would call "in the process" of developing the narrative for those living outside the pro-natal norm. We have the power to direct this a little, I think. Don’t forget those that have chosen to be childfree, despite all the cultural and societal messages to have children. They are a great crowd – they can be so normalizing! And – just a quick statistic – the number of women, aged 40-44, without children has doubled to 20% since 1976 – this includes the voluntary childfree. That’s an enormous change in a relatively short time. So, again, we are in this moment contributing to and shaping the dialogue.
Based on your research/findings, is anything you’d like to add – words of advice – for the “silent sorority?”
You know, there was such fantastic advice, words of wisdom, and relevant stories told by study participants, that I could not possibly do them justice here. I would encourage those interested to read the paper. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty reader friendly. Maybe focus on chapters IV and V (the less theoretical chapters) to best hear the actual voices and themes. And, of course, I’d love to hear any feedback and questions!
Readers: Get your highlighters out. You can find the full dissertation, RECOVERY FROM TRAUMATIC LOSS: A STUDY OF WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT CHILDREN AFTER INFERTILITY, here at UPenn. The discussion is officially open.
Don't Ignore...There's More Than One Infertility Ending
Okay, I'll admit it. More and more these days I find I just don't have the energy, the once all-consuming interest I once did in being
infertile. Is it any wonder? It just may be the least flattering thing you can say about a woman. It's far worse, downright damning, to hear as a diagnosis.
Now that the shock, stigma and the ensuing hairball of emotions that infertility exploded on me has dissipated, I'm happy to report that with each year (nearly nine) post-treatment, life has become better than good. And, furthermore, my reproductive organs are thrilled, positively delighted, to be out of the limelight. It's also a relief not to be wracked with shame, guilt or feelings of failure.
It didn't come easy, casting aside the infertility baggage, but these days I much prefer to focus on the non-reproductive aspects of my life and the freedom that comes with reinvention.
I was fully prepared to let the "youngsters" focus on National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), this year themed "Don't Ignore Infertility."
There was something, though, about reading Lisa's post, Don't Ignore...The Life Without Baby Option, though that pulled me back into ... << MORE >>
Now that the shock, stigma and the ensuing hairball of emotions that infertility exploded on me has dissipated, I'm happy to report that with each year (nearly nine) post-treatment, life has become better than good. And, furthermore, my reproductive organs are thrilled, positively delighted, to be out of the limelight. It's also a relief not to be wracked with shame, guilt or feelings of failure.
It didn't come easy, casting aside the infertility baggage, but these days I much prefer to focus on the non-reproductive aspects of my life and the freedom that comes with reinvention.
I was fully prepared to let the "youngsters" focus on National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), this year themed "Don't Ignore Infertility."
There was something, though, about reading Lisa's post, Don't Ignore...The Life Without Baby Option, though that pulled me back into ... << MORE >>
Whose "Personal Handicap" is Bigger?
Editor's Note: I'm pleased to share with you a guest post from Gillian
Guthrie, author of Childless: Reflections on Life’s Longing for
Itself. You might recall I included a link to an interview with Gillian in a previous post. (Thanks again, Carmel, for
pointing us to the story.) Curiosity led me to seek Gillian out. A few emails later the world got a little smaller once again...
~~~
Greetings from Australia, Pamela, and thanks for inviting me to contribute to your blog.
I thought you might be interested in a story from across the Pacific, which, in a way, brings us all closer together.
The story goes that the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, and the US President, Barack Obama, are good mates.
According to Ms. Gillard they’ve been known to exchange good-humoured banter about what might be perceived as their personal handicaps.
“I tell him: ‘You think it’s tough being African-American? Try being me … try being an atheist, childless, single woman as Prime Minister’.” She was quoted thus, speaking at a private fundraising function in Sydney ... << MORE >>
~~~
Greetings from Australia, Pamela, and thanks for inviting me to contribute to your blog.
I thought you might be interested in a story from across the Pacific, which, in a way, brings us all closer together.
The story goes that the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, and the US President, Barack Obama, are good mates.
According to Ms. Gillard they’ve been known to exchange good-humoured banter about what might be perceived as their personal handicaps.
“I tell him: ‘You think it’s tough being African-American? Try being me … try being an atheist, childless, single woman as Prime Minister’.” She was quoted thus, speaking at a private fundraising function in Sydney ... << MORE >>
Post-Traumatic Growth
In a recent conversation, Lisa and I talked about the delicate balancing act required when writing about a topic that is deeply personal — one that has
wide-ranging impact and carries the power to reshape our sense of identity and the way in which we move forward in our lives.
Further complicating matters, we don't uniformly move in the same direction at the same time. Each of us on any given day, when we reflect on it, find ourselves at different stages when
coming to terms with infertility or childlessness. The recovery is non-linear. Lisa described (and later wrote about) watching a frog swim valiantly
and hard across a pond before resting and regrouping, and how it gave it her pause to reflect on her own journey.
We're often so caught up in trying to make sense of a complex experience that we can lose sight of the progress we've made. Not long ago I came to realize that I had in every
sense survived the trauma of infertility. Over time I had climbed out of the emotional quicksand. I now view infertility as something that happened to me.My
interest today lies in exploring the legacy — what it's taught me.
In a recent New York Times Magazine article on trauma, a reporter talks to two psyshologists at the University ...
On Tribal Loyalties
What drives our tribal instincts? Whether political or religious, social or sporting — our identification with tribes seems to have an outsized
influence on our thinking and behavior.
My desire to understand how tribal associations govern our actions was inflamed once again a few weeks ago when a renegade group within what had been patchwork community — a loose federation of infertility blogs — opted to secede.
The action, aggravated by perceived exclusivity, prompted all manner of hurt feelings, accusations and second guessing. To help provide an airing of grievances a few bloggers, (yours truly included) banded together to host healing salons — encouraging a conversation that culminated in this roundup of summaries.
Now that the dust has settled, I'm back to trying to understand what is it about humans that makes us feel the need to strongly identify with one tribe or another. I certainly find myself gravitating to women whose lives look more like mine. In my research I came across this piece on Time.com by Michael Shermer ruminating on our divisive political process. He observed of modern humans:
My desire to understand how tribal associations govern our actions was inflamed once again a few weeks ago when a renegade group within what had been patchwork community — a loose federation of infertility blogs — opted to secede.
The action, aggravated by perceived exclusivity, prompted all manner of hurt feelings, accusations and second guessing. To help provide an airing of grievances a few bloggers, (yours truly included) banded together to host healing salons — encouraging a conversation that culminated in this roundup of summaries.
Now that the dust has settled, I'm back to trying to understand what is it about humans that makes us feel the need to strongly identify with one tribe or another. I certainly find myself gravitating to women whose lives look more like mine. In my research I came across this piece on Time.com by Michael Shermer ruminating on our divisive political process. He observed of modern humans:
"We are a scant few steps removed from the tribes of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, and a few ...<< MORE >>
Why Waste a Good Flood?
This sentiment delivered with a laugh from a grizzled ex-Brit has now become part of my philosophy.
The wise words came from a cab driver conveying us to the Brisbane airport on the last day of a two-week, five city journey. Our knowledge of Brisbane had been limited. We knew it was situated on the gold coast of Eastern Australia.On the map it appeared as a convenient stopover from the Whitsunday Islands in Queensland on our way back to San Francisco through Sydney.
With few expectations we added the locale to the end of our itinerary. It turned out to hold discoveries in a trip had already that had already revealed the marvels of the Daintree rainforest to the north, the colorful Coral Gardens of the Great Barrier Reef, and west of Sydney the majestic Blue Mountains and the wondrous waterfalls that lie within. The magical Aussie landscapes aside — and dodging some of the stormiest summer weather patterns in 50 years — we also witnessed the resilience and optimism of a people that spoke volumes.
This is a country that now takes a certain pride in its rough and tumble convict past. It's come a long way.In 2011 the Australian economy was the fastest growing advanced economy in the world.
<< MORE >>
The wise words came from a cab driver conveying us to the Brisbane airport on the last day of a two-week, five city journey. Our knowledge of Brisbane had been limited. We knew it was situated on the gold coast of Eastern Australia.On the map it appeared as a convenient stopover from the Whitsunday Islands in Queensland on our way back to San Francisco through Sydney.
With few expectations we added the locale to the end of our itinerary. It turned out to hold discoveries in a trip had already that had already revealed the marvels of the Daintree rainforest to the north, the colorful Coral Gardens of the Great Barrier Reef, and west of Sydney the majestic Blue Mountains and the wondrous waterfalls that lie within. The magical Aussie landscapes aside — and dodging some of the stormiest summer weather patterns in 50 years — we also witnessed the resilience and optimism of a people that spoke volumes.
This is a country that now takes a certain pride in its rough and tumble convict past. It's come a long way.In 2011 the Australian economy was the fastest growing advanced economy in the world.
<< MORE >>
Anything But Ordinary
One
of my longtime blog penpals once observed that women without children after infertility are extraordinary
— in large part because we have to examine ourselves, our relationships and our place in society in a way most ordinary people don't. Furthermore, we redefine and find our happiness
at a point in life when most people, busy raising kids, are on auto-pilot.That puts us much further ahead and able to roll with the changes that life inevitably throws at us...
That's where I left off in my comment to Mali who wrote a passionate post titled, "She has no children. She has nothing," in
response to two other equally heartfelt posts, one on Simply Inconceivable and one on Real Life & Thereafter.
Each ignited conversations and comments.
And that's a good thing because the more we (and I mean that to be all inclusive) hash ...
On Friendship and Hardship
Strong, honest and profound friendships can be hard to come by in a fast-paced world characterized by
constant interruptions, overscheduling and lives shared in 140 characters or less. Sure, we can graze all day long but we often don't feel fully satisfied.
A hearty friendship feeds your soul. This weekend I feasted.
Friday night the lights twinkled on the Bay Bridge in San Francisco as I drove down the Embarcadero. Beneath the warm light of the Ferry Building slow-walking tourists mixed with locals racing by
in running gear. Just beyond the entry of a bustling restaurant and into a noisy bar I saw a friendly face scanning the crowd. My soon-to-be dinner companion knew what I looked
like, but I was operating at a disadvantage. While I knew some of her deepest thoughts I couldn't exactly hold up "B's" blog post and say, "is this you?" Her wave in my direction clinched
it.
What followed was a 4.5 hour meal that moved effortlessly from one story to another revealing a
kaleidoscope of overlapping experiences and emotions.To anyone nearby we appeared to be longtime friends animatedly catching up over edame, wine and fusion cuisine. Laughter tumbled easily.In
truth we had ...
An All Too Familiar “Waiting Game” Pays Off
Editor's Note: A new year brings new beginnings, something we particularly relish here at A Fresh
Start. One of the silver linings that accompanies infertility is the ability to redefine life
on our own terms. As a result of our unrequited efforts we also learn to practice patience,
accept ambiguity, and develop a keen sense of what makes us unique in a society that often overlooks those whose lives don’t conform. We develop and contribute our talents, gifts and
contributions without mainstream adulation. Along the way, we also find that life holds many happy surprises — something our latest guest blog contributor, Wendy, 39, makes abundantly
clear.
I found Silent Sorority when I needed it most — a few years ago when I struggled with my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POF/POI). I kept the book at my bedside for over six months before I read it. When I did, there were all my thoughts and feelings — once a mash-up in my brain — in black and white in Pamela’s book. I kept thinking, how did she sneak into my brain??? ... << MORE >>
I found Silent Sorority when I needed it most — a few years ago when I struggled with my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POF/POI). I kept the book at my bedside for over six months before I read it. When I did, there were all my thoughts and feelings — once a mash-up in my brain — in black and white in Pamela’s book. I kept thinking, how did she sneak into my brain??? ... << MORE >>
The Best Gift: Rediscovering Zest
I realize I'm a bit premature talking up the New Year when 2012 is still a
week away. We got a head start by celebrating the winter solstice December 21 with champagne. How can you not look ahead and start making plans with the days getting
longer?
That's not all. I've had a series of odd dreams. In one I was a candidate for a new position — for what exactly wasn't clear, but I awoke with a clear message: something different is waiting for me to find it.
I've also had some time to reflect and reconnect the past few weeks — laughing more than I have in a long time. During one free afternoon, I all but bounded down a town street, carefree, with a dear old friend. We engaged in an animated conversation, the two of us bursting with energy, positively impish as we egged each other on with our harebrained ideas.
It is invigorating to know, in my late 40s, that I can feel that sort of enthusiastic. Not unlike when I was a slip of a thing on a birthday eve — finding it all but impossible to fall asleep — ... << MORE >>
That's not all. I've had a series of odd dreams. In one I was a candidate for a new position — for what exactly wasn't clear, but I awoke with a clear message: something different is waiting for me to find it.
I've also had some time to reflect and reconnect the past few weeks — laughing more than I have in a long time. During one free afternoon, I all but bounded down a town street, carefree, with a dear old friend. We engaged in an animated conversation, the two of us bursting with energy, positively impish as we egged each other on with our harebrained ideas.
It is invigorating to know, in my late 40s, that I can feel that sort of enthusiastic. Not unlike when I was a slip of a thing on a birthday eve — finding it all but impossible to fall asleep — ... << MORE >>
About Me
I'm better known in some blogging circles as Pamela Jeanne. That was my pseudonym when I started the blog Coming2Terms. Over several years I also wrote the book, Silent Sorority. In relating my experience of the once hopeful days of trying to conceive (TTC) to adjusting to a new life as a "non-mom," I learned the importance of fellowship in making sense of a difficult life transition. It wasn't easy to find the courage to express the challenges associated with the finality of infertility. The goal of this blog is to offer a place for those in a once silent sorority to write or read sequels celebrating new beginnings.
